


My Mind Is A Deadly Disease

by Doughnuts_wilderness



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Annabeth Chase Has PTSD, Annabeth Chase POV, Anxiety Attacks, Blood Bending, Dark Percy Jackson, F/M, Gen, Jason comforts Percy, Nightmares, POV Percy Jackson, Percy Jackson Needs a Hug, Percy Jackson afraid, Percy Jackson has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Percy Jackson is powerful, Piper comforts Percy, Post-Gaea & The Second Giant War (Percy Jackson), Post-Tartarus (Percy Jackson), Sad Percy Jackson, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, annabeth chase needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2020-06-29 13:23:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19831117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doughnuts_wilderness/pseuds/Doughnuts_wilderness
Summary: "And all the kids cried out 'Please stop your scaring me' " - HalseyHe felt his camp necklace against his chest as he slammed the person against his bedroom wall.He felt how the floor was cold to his bare feet, as his body reached out to anything to help defend itself. He felt the warmth of blood dripping from this beings nose and mouth onto the hands that still firmly grasped their neck. The warmth almost seemed to burn his hands, it felt so wrong yet also so right. He heard the water explode from his water fountain, not hearing the attacker cry out in terror and pain. He felt riptide in his pocket as his body decided not to use it, instead pulling more blood from the victim like that of a horror film.-“Help me please. Please. I killed her, oh gods. I killed her.” Percy kept repeating this over and over unable to think enough to find anything else to say.“Percy slow down okay? Who did you kill?”"Annabeth".





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Listen to "Control" - Halsey. 
> 
> If you like this let me know and I might write another chapter. :)

_ They send me away to find them a fortune _

_ A chest filled with diamonds and gold _

_ The house was awake, the shadows and monsters _

_ The hallways, they echoed and groaned _

  
  


Since he was 12 years old the gods had been using Percy as a pawn, sending him to do their dirty work. It wasn’t fair that a kid had to win a war of the gods. Not once but twice. The gods were nothing but cowards in Percy’s mind. Sitting up on Mt. Olympus, forcing children to fight the battles they were too afraid to. 

Percy was dealing with the effects of Tartarus and everything else he had been through. A 19 year old shouldn’t have to be looking over their shoulder every 5 minutes, never quite sure they were safe. Never able to rest. A 19 year old shouldn’t jump at unexpected noises their hand automatically going to grab their sword, their mind already prioritizing the people he needed to get to safety first. 

It was happening far to often. The other day when Percy was taking his dinner plate back to the Poseidon table someone knocked a cup off their table, the sound causing Percy to drop his meal on the ground and instantly he had riptide uncapped and in his hands before his brain even had time to register what had happened. His heart already racing in his chest and his body became aware of all the liquid in the room. Looking back on that detail frightened Percy. He hadn't thought about it in the moment but in hindsight he realized that he had become aware of the blood and liquid inside the camper’s bodies. Ever since Tartarus he has had to force himself to ignore and block out the liquid he could  _ feel _ rushing through people’s bodies.

Once he realized there was no threat Percy did his best to laugh at the situation, playing it off as just a funny reflex. Most of the campers let it slide, but he didn’t miss the evaluating looks from his friends and some of the older campers. Annabeth had helped him clean up the food he dropped, her hands brushing over his as they cleaned trying to comfort him and giving him a silent sign of support. He was thankful, because the last thing Percy wanted was to make even more of a big scene. 

After dinner Percy kissed Annabeth’s temple and decided to retire to his cabin early that night. He pointedly avoided Piper and Jason on his way back to his cabin, not in the mood to have to converse with them. He was sure they noticed, but couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

Percy would admit that it frustrated him that Jason had also fought in both great wars and he was seemingly handling it way better than Percy. Granted Percy had a much bigger role in the war against Kronos and then he went through Tartarus while Jason hadn’t. But that didn’t change the fact that the younger man was almost unscratched from all he went through. He was living his life like nothing had happened. That’s not to say he didn’t have his demons, Percy knew he did. But Jason seemed to have them on a tight leash. 

Annabeth had a similar experience to Percy. But he found it hard to talk to her about it. Ever since he saw the pure fear on her face when looking at him in Tartarus ...seeing that she was honest to gods afraid of him. It was too much. He was afraid of himself and was afraid of causing that much fear in her. He remembered how his mom had been afraid of Gabe. The look in her eyes when he would get drunk or angry. Percy couldn't bear to cause that in Annabeth. 

_ I sat alone, in bed till the morning _

_ I'm crying, "They're coming for me" _

_ And I tried to hold these secrets inside me _

_ My mind's like a deadly disease _

As Percy sat down on his bed he realized how much that pissed him off. It just made Percy even angrier at his situation.

He shouldn't have to feel like he couldn't talk to his own girlfriend, his best friend since he was 12. The person who he had almost died for many times and who had done the same for him over and over. He should be able to tell her what was going on.

He desperately wanted to tell her about the deep ache in his chest that some days felt like the entire world was closing in on him, tightening around his lungs so tightly that he couldn’t breath. Some days it felt like a chasm or giant hole devoid of all emotions, it felt like no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't feel anything. There was a monster sitting between his ribs, eating up everything Percy desperately tried to feel or grasp onto. 

Sometimes Percy was afraid that he was losing his mind. He was afraid that he was dancing on the edge of who he once was and insanity. That if someone were to so much as breathed in his direction it would knock him off balance, sending him falling and he would become someone who no one would recognize. He wanted to tell her so badly, but he just couldn’t. 

The more he thought about it the more he got himself worked up. He could feel the panic rising in his chest and without realizing he began to take quicker and shorter breaths. He couldn't stop thinking about the look in Annabeth’s eyes. The pure terror that had been directed at him. He couldn't shake what it was like to  _ feel  _ the blood rushing through the veins of the campers around him, knowing he could will it to stop. Knowing he could will it to spill out of their eyes and noses. The pure terror he felt at himself was overwhelming, he never wanted to hurt anyone. He’s known for a while that he was one of the most powerful demigods, that was just something he had to humbly acknowledge to himself to keep himself in check. But now that power had magnified, it was more than he ever knew he had and he was acutely aware of it. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to control it. This was different than holding back when he sparred with other campers, this was having to try and concisely shut part of him off. His body naturally reached out to water when he was in distress and now that he knew that mean any liquid? He was terrified. He had wondered if he could shut it all off permanently? If he had to he would never manipulate the ocean again if it meant he could train his body to not reach out for the blood in the people around him. 

His breathing was coming out in gasps now, something between sobbing and choking. He ran his hands through his hair and then over his face, his mind lost in itself. It felt like the monster between his ribs was controlling him now. His demons had become an overwhelming reality that he couldn't shake. 

“Help me please. I-I can’t do this. Help me-oh gods please I can’t- I can’t- I can't shut it off, oh gods.” he begged over and over to the emptiness of his room. Percy felt like he was detaching from himself. His body was slowly moving into a flight or fight mode, responding to his panic. Somehow his physical body was becoming hyper aware of his surroundings while his mind was becoming less and less aware. 

“Percy?” light came flooding into his room as someone turned the lights on. It was an abrupt sensation that felt like it was burning his eyes. 

Percy stood up so fast that it was dizzying for a second. The only thing Percy remembered was how the tears felt as they rolled down his cheek and the fear that rushed through his body at the unknown threat, the thing that would strike him while he was at his weakest. Like the curses that attacked him and Annabeth relentlessly in Tartarus. 

“Babe are you-”

instinctively Percy’s body lunged forward in a blind motion of what it believed to be self defense. He felt his hands grab onto a neck that felt far too human to be a demon. It was like Percy was looking but not seeing, his body acting on instinct alone while his mind couldn't seem to find what to focus on. He felt his camp necklace against his chest as he slammed the person against his bedroom wall. He felt how the floor was cold to his bare feet, as his body reached out to anything to help defend itself. He felt the warmth of blood dripping from this beings nose and mouth onto the hands that still firmly grasped their neck. The warmth almost seemed to burn his hands, it felt so wrong yet also so right. He heard the water explode from his water fountain, not hearing the attacker cry out in terror and pain. He felt riptide in his pocket as his body decided not to use it, instead pulling more blood from the victim like that of a horror film. He smelt strawberries as his hands squeezed tighter as the attacker desperately grabbed at his arms-

He smelled strawberries as his hands squeezed tighter-

He smelled strawberries as his hands-

He smelled strawberries-

He smelled Strawberries. 

Oh gods. Oh gods. Suddenly he became completely aware of his surroundings. His stomach dropped and he quickly opened his blood drenched hands as he stumbled away from the person as they fell to the ground. He tripped and fell but continued to scramble away from the person till his back was against the wall opposite to where he had been. His heart was pounding like never before and he couldn't seem to breath. The only two things he could see was the golden curls of the woman he loved and the bright red blood coming from her mouth, nose and eyes as she lay on the floor of his cabin. 

“Oh gods, oh gods Annabeth!” He gasped through his sobs as he quickly crawled back over to her. He reached out to touch her but stopped when he saw the red on his hands. He caused this, oh gods this was his fault. 

“Annabeth? Annabeth! Gods please, Annabeth?!” He cried, tears streaming down his face. He slowly reached out and touched her unmoving body. She wasn't breathing, oh gods she wasn't breathing, she wasn't breathing oh gods. He desperately felt for a pulse but found none. Dark purple bruises were forming around her neck in the shape of his hands, and it made him sick to his stomach. He knew what a dead person looked like. The glassy look in her eyes had no soul behind them, she was gone. 

Violent sobs racked his body as he leaned forward and leaned his forehead against her’s. He repeated her name over and over, begging her to come back. Tears fell from his face onto her blood covered one. He had never felt such pain in his soul as he did right now. He would rather that monster in his chest eat up these feelings than let him feel this because he didn't want to feel the pain he felt right now. This was by far the worst pain he'd ever felt, physical or emotional. 

She was dead.

She was dead.    
She was dead.

And he killed her. 

_ And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" _

_ I can't help this awful energy _

_ God damn right, you should be scared of me _

_ Who is in control? _

The realization hit as hard as if someone dropped mount olympus on him. He once again scrambled away from her, panic erupting in his body. He sat there sobbing uncontrollably as he stared at her lifeless body, for how long he wasn't sure but the panic remained the same, if not getting worse. 

Percy got up from the ground, sparing Annabeth one more look before stumbling out of his cabin. He had to find someone. He was in a haze of panic and despair as he scanned the surroundings outside his cabin. It was dark now and everyone was back in their cabins. Percy’s eyes narrowed in on the Zeus Cabin. He sprinted as fast as he could, tripping multiple times, to where he knew Jason would be.

Percy didn't even bother knocking, he pushed the door open with such force that the handle left a dent in the cabin wall. 

“What the hell?”   
  


His eyes scanned the dark room before flipping the light switch on. His eyes found Jason’s bed. He was laying beside Piper both of them only partially clothed, their faces looked shocked as they stared at him, their eyes still adjusting to the light. Percy crossed the distance between the door and the bed so that he was standing next to them. 

“Percy what the hell? Get out, this is-”

“I killed her” Percy managed to gasp out, interrupting Jason’s angry rant. 

“What?” Piper asked slowly, holding the sheet cover up her chest as she sat up. 

Percy fell to his knees next to the bed, tears continuing to fall from his face as he tried to get air into his lungs. 

“Help me please. Please. I killed her, oh gods. I killed her.” Percy kept repeating this over and over unable to think enough to find anything else to say. 

Jason shot a startled glance at Piper before looking back at the son of the sea. Percy had blood covering his bare chest and his hands. At first Jason wondered if it was coming from him, but if he killed someone then he figured that must be where the blood came from. “Percy slow down okay? Who did you kill?” he asked as Piper pulled Jason’s T-shirt over her head. Percy shook his head and just kept repeating the same phrase, obviously in a state of shock. 

Piper got out of the bed and knelt next to Percy. She was frightened of the man in front of her, she had never seen him like this and she feared what he could do to her if provoked. But she also felt immense pain and pity for her friend. She slowly, so as not to startle him, cupped his face with her hands forcing him to look at her. She needed him to calm down and focus on her. She knew from the past that he was very strong willed and it was hard for her to get to him using charm speak. But she figured that him being in such a state of distress would make it easier for her to get through to him. She just needed to make sure he heard her. 

“Shhh Percy, I need you to take a deep breath okay?” 

“I killed her Piper! Oh gods I killed her I-”

“No! Percy look at me okay?” 

His eyes glanced into hers for a moment. Good now she had at least a sliver of his attention. She could work with that. 

“Percy, I need you to tell me who you killed.” 

Piper’s heart broke at the way he looked at her. She had never seen a man so broken. His eyes begged her for help as he seemed to fight with himself about answering her. He squeezed his eyes shut as his body continued to shake from his heavy and uncontrolled sobbing. She quickly glanced at Jason, who had finished getting dressed and was slipping his shoes on, before looking back at Percy. 

“Percy. Who did you kill?” She thickly laced on the charm speak. 

He slowly opened his eyes and stared right into hers and in a way that sent chills down her spine he answered, 

“Annabeth.” 

Piper’s hands dropped away from his face instantly. She felt a pit in her stomach and she heard Jason step forward towards Percy. Jason grabbed Percy by the shoulders, pulling him to his feet. 

“What do you mean you Killed Annabeth?” Jason demanded and Piper could feel the hairs on her arms stand up as the static electricity in the room seemed to increase with Jason’s emotions. 

“I-I don’t know I- Oh gods I-”

“You need to bring us to her. Now.” Jason said firmly as his grip tightened on Percy. The pity he felt for the man moments before was now replaced with the anger he felt towards him and concern for Annabeth. 

Percy just hardly managed a nod, not even trying to shake off Jason’s tight grip. Piper didn't know if it was because he didn't notice in his state or he couldn't even find it in him to care. 

Jason and Piper followed Percy to his cabin, Jason keeping a hand on Percy’s shoulder the whole time. Jason wasn't sure why he did that, but in this unstable situation he felt he needed to keep a hand on the other man.

Both Jason and Piper felt their pulse quicken as they approached Percy’s cabin. Both felt terribly afraid of what they might find, they prayed she wasn't actually dead. Piper felt a lump in her throat as she tried to hold back the tears. She wouldn't let herself cry until she confirmed it with her own two eyes. 

She eyed Percy in fear. What the hell would push him to killing Annabeth? She knew that he had been having it kinda rough since the war ended, he never looked like he was sleeping and he had become more quiet and reserved than before. He often jumped at the simplest of noises, but she thought he and Annabeth had it under control. Percy loved Annabeth with more passion than she had ever seen, as a daughter of Aphrodite she was kinda an expert on that kinda thing. 

So if he killed the woman he loved with his whole heart, what's to stop him from killing her and Jason? 

They slowly walked through the open door of the Poseidon cabin. There was a tense feeling between them as they followed the still crying Percy into his cabin. 

Piper’s eyes scanned the room, finding no signs of Annabeth. Jason reached over and turned the bedroom light on, giving them a better view of the room. Water flooded the floor from his broken water fountain, a picture was knocked off his wall and his bedside table was knocked over. There was a little bit of blood on one of the walls as well as a handprint on his bedside table and one on the floor that the water hadn’t reached yet. 

Piper and Jason exchanged a hesitant before worriedly looking back at Percy. He seemed to be confused and distressed as he stood near the wall of his cabin. 

“She- I- She was right here- I don’t-”

Jason took that moment to take a better look at Percy. The more Jason looked at the other man the more he thought his first instinct was correct. Percy himself was the injured one. 

There were scratches and gashes on his left rib cage and on his right forearm. As well as a cut on his face. That's where the blood had come from, It wasn't noticeable enough that they had seen it in the whirlwind of the last 10 minutes, but still Jason kicked himself for not being observant enough.

If he had to guess Percy had wrapped his arms around himself and in some sort of panic attack accidentally ended up hurting himself. Maybe the blood sent him into some sort of distressed state and he didn't connect with reality. Jason wasn't exactly sure. 

First step, get Percy to calm down. He was currently running his hands through his hair in distress trying to find out were the body of his dead girlfriend went.

“Hey Percy, let’s sit down okay?” Jason gently pulled the man with him to sit on the edge of his bed. Jason looked up at Piper and she mouthed that she was going to look for Annabeth. Both to see if she was in fact okay, and to enlist her help with Percy if she was. Jason was fairly confident Annabeth must still be alive at this point now that he had more of a clear view of the situation. But he still wouldn't be able to fully rest until he knew for sure she was okay, and obviously neither would Percy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Annabeth came bursting into Percy’s cabin, followed closely by Piper. Jason felt immense relief when he saw the daughter of Athena, alive and well. Annabeth’s curls were a tangled mess and she wore a camp shirt obviously too big for her (Jason would bet it was Percy’s) and pajama shorts. She had obviously been asleep when Piper found her, but she was very awake now, concern for Percy was written all over her face. 

Percy jumped to his feet the moment the door slammed open, eyes wide with disbelief at what he was seeing. Jason saw Annabeth’s eyes quickly scan Percy’s body, taking in the blood and the overall state of distress he was in. Jason knew her mind processed this information faster than he could ever dream of, as he watched multiple emotions flash across her face in two seconds. 

“Percy” She said in a sad and comforting way. She took a step towards her boyfriend but before Jason could react Percy was stumbling back away from her. 

“No! Stay back!” He shouted desperately.

“Percy-” 

Percy interrupted a confused Annabeth “No! I-I killed you. I-” Percy was breathing hard again. “I don’t know how you survived but-but I’ll hurt you again. You need to stay back!” 

Piper and Jason shared a look with each other, Jason contemplated leaving but decided against it. Percy was in a dangerously distrubed state. He had harmed himself and Jason didn't think he would actually hurt anyone else, but there was no way to really tell. 

“Percy...you never hurt me, okay?” Annabeth said softly.

Percy shook his head slowly, terrified of hurting her again. The man was absolutely convinced he had murdered his girlfriend not even thirty minutes ago. Jason felt great pity for Percy, he was obviously struggling worse than any of them had noticed and it seemed like he was falling apart.

“Percy...you are hurt. You need to let me help you, okay?”

Percy’s bottom lip trembled as tears started to fall down his face once more. He obviously wanted to run into her arms so badly, but the fear of himself kept him from doing so. 

“Annabeth” Percy said in the weakest voice Jason had ever heard come from the man. 

Annabeth tilted her head and offered him a small smile through her own tears and slowly moved towards him. Percy didn’t step back this time. He tensed a little bit when she reached him, but he didn’t move. Annabeth slowly, so as not to startle him, wrapping her arms around his torso in a hug. 

Almost instantly Percy seemed to melt into her arms, his larger form somehow seemed smaller than her. Percy let out a heartbreaking sob as Annabeth attempted to soothe him, tears still falling down both their faces. 

In that moment Jason felt anger well into his chest. It wasn’t fair that these two, who had been saving everyone’s asses since they were 12, got this as a reward. You save the day and what do you get in return? A complete mental breakdown.

Sure, Jason had known nothing would ever be 100% the same again but he had assumed that Percy and Annabeth would spend a few more years at camp, get married and have some kids. He hoped the same would happen for himself and Piper as well as Hazel and Frank. 

But looking at Percy and Annabeth in that moment (and then thinking back on the past weeks)...they would need a lot of help if they wanted to be able to survive themselves, let alone have kids (if that was something they wanted). In a way this was one of the scariest things they would have to fight, because the challenge was inside themselves. It couldn’t be defeated with Percy’s amazing sword skills or Annabeth’s battle strategies. 

“Please help me. Please-gods-please Annabeth help me. I can’t-I can’t do this anymore. I need it to stop ‘Beth. I need it to stop.” Percy pleaded to his girlfriend. 

Jason stood awkwardly in the room, not sure if it was time to leave or not? Piper must have thought it was time because she took his hand and lead him out of the cabin, the sounds of crying fading as they walked away.

Jason felt a few tears well up in his eyes and he quickly wiped them away. He looked over at his girlfriend and saw she was crying as well. 

“That was…” 

“Terrifying? Heartbreaking?” Jason filled in when Piper didn't seem to be able to find the words she was looking for. 

“Yeah.” she answered.

Jason nodded before stopping to pull her into a hug. They just embraced each other, letting themselves relax into each other. 

“It’s not fair.” Piper mumbled as they pulled away from the hug.

“No.” Jason agreed. “No it's not.”

  
  



	2. Who you are is not where you've been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song; Innocent - Taylor Swift
> 
> I wasn't sure if I should do another chapter, or just leave it as a one shot. I had this chapter in mind but I honestly wasn't sure if it fit the first one. But everyone seemed to really like the first chapter, you all had some really nice things to say. 
> 
> So here is chapter 2, I was struggling a bit coming at this from an Annabeth POV. I didn't want her entire chapter to just be about Percy, I wanted some introspection on her part as well. So I hope I was able to balance her thinking about Percy with her also taking a look at herself. I guess you will be the judge of that haha. 
> 
> Im not sure if I will write more, my life has got crazy busy recently and starting in January I'll be going to Belgium (from the US) for an internship. So as you can guess it's been pretty crazy preparing for that (as well as dealing with some personal shit that I don't want to get into haha). It just depends on if I have time, if people want more and if I get the inspiration for another chapter lol.

* * *

_I guess you really did it this time_

_Left yourself in your warpath_

_Lost your balance on a tightrope_

_Lost your mind tryin' to get it back_

Annabeth sat on a chair next to the bed Percy was sleeping on in the infirmary. Once she had managed to calm Percy down (To a certain degree) she had all but carried him to the infirmary. Luckily Will was working on call that night, she didn’t want word of this to get out and she trusted Will to keep his mouth quiet. Will got to work patching up Percy’s self inflicted injuries, only asking questions he needed to know for medical purposes. Annabeth was grateful for that, she wasn't sure Percy could handle much else. 

The whole time Percy was getting his wounds tended to, he seemed to almost refuse to look anywhere but at Annabeth, almost like he was making sure she was really there. The breathing was still somewhat erratic and he was obviously distressed. Annabeth held his hand and did the best she could to be a comforting presence for him. 

Jason and Piper had obviously altered Chiron as he showed up not much later. The Centaur didn’t ask many questions, just observed. He seemed to know now wasn’t the time. 

Will gave percy something to help him sleep (hopefully peacefully). Percy was out like a light within minutes. That’s how Annabeth found herself sitting beside his bed at 9am, on no sleep and eating a plate of breakfast that Piper had kindly brought her. Annabeth had minimally filled in Chiron, but had quite frankly told him she wasn’t up for it at the moment. He understood and left her alone for the time being, no doubt waiting for the soonest possible moment to disgus last night's events. 

Annabeth would be lying is she said she wasn’t shaken. Everything that went down was…...a lot. She had known Percy was struggling, they both where. She also knew that they had somehow been clingy yet also distanced from each other. On the one hand they were each other's rock. They always had been, and after Tartarus, they were the only ones who knew what the other had been though. But on the other hand, they were ignoring the elephant in the room. What Annabeth saw him do in Tartarus….it terrified her. She thinks it terrified him as well, but part of her is afraid to think he enjoyed it. 

After last night Annabeth felt guilty for allowing them to go on trying to ignore their problems. She should have pushed them to talk about it. She knew she should have, but she hadn’t felt ready, and she probably never will. She was the daughter of Athena, it was her job to listen to her head, and her head was saying they should have addressed so many things ages ago and not have let them grow into something even worse than they already where. She couldn’t help the feeling of failure that snuck into her head again. She had saved that damn statue for Athena, and even now she was still struggling with feeling like a failure and a inferior daughter.

Percy, poor Percy. He seemed to have been fighting the war in his mind this whole time. The war was over but it was like he was stuck on the battlefield, it was like he couldn’t escape it. She hadn’t fully realized, no one did, how hard he was struggling.

Everyone around them seemed to just...go about their lives. They had a scar or two, but life was overall good for them. It wasn’t fair.

Annabeth had felt like she herself was hiding that she was just a corpse full of nightmares, full of “What if I had just-”s and horrible imagery that sadly her brain wasn’t making up. She felt like a fraud sometimes. The 7 of the prophecy, and she was the deadweight. The one without the powers, the one who was so stupid that she got herself and Percy dragged to Tartarus. People call her a hero, but in reality she is the reason that Percy, the true hero, went through unspeakable things. Why he is a shell of himself. 

He had been silently fighting his battle, the battle of his own mind, trying to come to terms with everything that had happened to him in his short life. He had been teetering on a tightrope, trying to keep himself sane, and once again, Annabeth did nothing to help. She hadn’t seen. She hadn’t seen that he needed a hand to help balance him.

The logical side of her brain told her that it wasn’t her fault. She had been going through plenty of trauma herself. She wasn’t the only one who had missed the signs, hell Percy himself could have said something to her. But her soul ached for him, told her that she should have, could have done something. 

_It's alright, just wait and see_

_Your string of lights is still bright to me_

_Oh, who you are is not where you've been_

_You're still an innocent_

The fear she saw in his eyes last night. He was just _so_ certain he had killed her. He was so certain that he was capable of such things, that he was a monster who had killed his girlfriend. It broke Annabeth’s heart. 

Percy wasn’t the man she saw in the depths of Tartarus. She had to come to terms that the man she saw was part of him, part of him that had just been pushed _too far_ , given too much power. She was allowed to be afraid of it. But she also knew it wasn’t _him_. It wasn’t what made Percy, it was not who he was as a whole. 

Percy needed to know that wasn’t him. She needed to help him realize that the fraction of him that came out in Tartarus was not life defining, that they would not allow it to take over the good in him. There was so much good that made up Percy Jackson that she knew he could fight of the dark that has been exposed in him, the dark that life had forced into him. 

Annabeth’s eyes drifted to the freckles hinted over the bridge of his nose. Percy spent so much time in the sun out on the beach that if you looked closely he always had a few freckles peppered across his nose. After the time they spent in Tartarus, away from the sun, they had started to dim. Annabeth decided that the fading of his freckles did not have to represent the fading of their souls. 

Percy-well Percy was at a tipping point. Last night was horrible but she refused to believe that he had already fallen. The two of them could make this work, whatever _this_ was. The list of things they had survived together since age 12 was incredibly long. There is no reason this couldn’t be added to the list. 

Annabeth was vaguely aware of the fact that she herself had a lot of shit to work through. She knew this, but the way Annabeth operates is to fixate on something, to try and solve the problem. Part of them getting through this together implied fixing _her_ problems too, but all she could think of was Percy. Part of it was the guilt she carried over Percy ever being in Tartarus in the first place, the other was just her unhealthy coping mechanism. If she spent all her time focusing on Percy then she wouldn’t have to face herself. 

_Did some things you can’t speak of_

_But at night you live it all again_

_You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now_

_If only you had seen what you know now then_

  
  


Annabeth reached forward and brushed his messy black hair out of his face. That messy black hair that her 12 year old self had somehow found both ridiculous yet also attractive. People always loved to compare his eyes to the sea, and they weren’t wrong. But Annabeth had always thought his hair was like the sea, it was messy and beautifully uncontrollable. It was dark like the deepest depths of the sea. It was wavy like the low tide and it even smelled like the sea sometimes.

Annabeth knew his behavior since Tartarus was a result of so much guilt. Percy had always felt the world was on his shoulders, and it was (Not to even mention the time they both _actually_ held the sky). He had been the center of two prophecies. Percy had lost many friends, soldiers under his leadership. She hated to use the words soldier, but they had been fighting a war, what else should they be called? Olympus calls demigods heroes just so they can feel a bit less guilty about sending kids to war. 

The two of them had never really sat down and just…..let it out. Life hadn't given them the time to do so until now, when they felt far too broken to even speak of such painful things. But now they needed to speak of what happened in Tartarus, it had obviously been weighing on Percy so badly that he had went into some form of a delirious mental break down last night. It had been weighing on Annabeth in such a way that she had found herself throwing herself into useless work and spending sleepless nights in her cabin because the dreams were worse than the fatigue. She hadn’t been eating like she should, and she was pushing away friends and even Percy. 

It wasn’t fair. They were children, they shouldn’t have been pushed into so many situations where they had been forced to make tough choices. They had all done things they couldn’t speak of, things that seemed to haunt their shadows, following them around even on the brightest of days. Hindsight was a bitch. In hindsight, so many things could have been different. In hindsight if she had just--

But in reality? She was sitting in the infirmary waiting for her boyfriend to wake up after he had unintentionally harmed himself because of the terrible nightmare he was living. In reality, a tear slips from her grey eyes and rolls down her cheek because she just isn’t sure how she is going to fix this. In reality, they made the choices they did and the only thing they can do is hold each other tight and try their best to make it out the other side. 

_Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?_

_Before the monsters caught up to you?_

As scary as it had seemed in their younger days, she wishes she could go back. So many terrible things littered their childhood, if you could even call it that. The difference was that she had so much more hope back then. Hope was a beautiful thing, although now she felt like it was sometimes cruel. Hope just opens you up for the sharp stab in the chest that is life. None the less, she was happy for hope. She wished she had as much now as she did back then, it was like a candle in a dark cave. The world was constantly trying to beat her down but she had still thought that they could fight the good fight and all would be okay. Now she wasn't so sure. 

Now it felt like there was just too much piling on top of them. She had so many burdens she had to carry that it felt impossible to outrun the monsters. While they were both more technically skilled than before, the pair were vicious on the battlefield, it felt like there was triple the monsters and she was standing in quicksand and unable to move.

It was not like many real monsters were challenging them after they won the second war… for now. It was a much needed break. This time the monsters where in her head, without a monster to cut down, the ones inside her had time to awaken. One look at Percy the last few weeks was a testament to how his inner demons were treating him. 

Sometimes Annabeth felt like life had made her nothing but harsh and angry. Everyone said you learn new lessons along the way, you grow as a person. She felt like the only skills she had gained was to sleep with one eye open and to always watch her back. If life was supposed to make her a better person, it had failed. All she felt was hardened. Annabeth didn’t feel like she was a warm older camper, someone other Athena kids (or any camper really) could ask questions, could look to for comfort and advice. She can’t even remember the last time she checked in on any of the new campers, Malcom was always doing that for her. 

Although to be honest, she doesn’t think the kids would like what she had to say if she did take the time to talk to them. _“Being a demi god sucks. The gods will fuck you over, the monster will chase you down until the day you die and by then you will probably welcome death as a well deserved release.”_ Okay, so she wouldn’t actually say any of that, but she’s afraid it would be heavily implied. 

Annabeth felt like her heart skipped a beat for a moment. She had always ...understood on some level why Luke did what he did. But now more than ever she just… well she honestly could see it now, on a personal level. She could easily see herself saying “fuck it” and challging the assholes on Olympus. She just _gets_ it now more than she ever did before. It took her longer than him to be pushed to that point, but maybe he _was_ onto something, he was just going about it the wrong way. Kronos was never the answer, you can’t replace a bad guy with someone even worse. 

She knew she would never actually go through with it, her goal was to lay low and hopefully avoid Olympus for the rest of her life. But she couldn’t help but fantasize about a world where Olympus could no longer screw her over. 

  
  


_Lost your balance on a tight rope, oh_

_It's never too late to get it back_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you want more!


	3. Remember How I Used To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A tear slowly rolled down his cheek and Percy couldn’t exactly place why."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SONG: Sound the Bugle - Bryan Adams 
> 
> *Trigger warnings at the end of the chapter*
> 
> This is a two part chapter. This chapter is darker but the next one will be different.

_Sound the bugle now_

_Play it just for me_

_As the seasons change_

_Remember how I used to be_

Percy woke up disoriented and alone in the infirmary. When he first woke he wasn't sure why he was there, and then it all came flooding back to him. He sat up and looked down to realize he had bandages wrapped around his midsection, he vaguely remembered someone telling him he was bleeding. 

Percy felt like crying, last night he had went completely unhinged. There was no more hiding it, no more pretending he was okay. They knew now just how fucked up he was and there was northing he could do about it. He felt the shame wash over him, he should be stronger than this, but he wasn’t. If he was honest he was too tired to even try to be. 

This wasn’t him. He was afraid of what the others would think of him. He looked around the room and saw a chair next to his bed as well as a blanket, Annabeth’s blanket. She must have just left briefly. So it looks like she hadn’t abandoned him yet. It would probably be better for her if she did. If last night was anything to go off of, he was dangerous. He hadn’t hurt Annabeth like he had thought, but he had hurt himself and destroyed his cabin. Next time it could be her. 

Gods...last night. Percy didn’t even want to think about it. The pain he felt when he thought Annabeth was dead. When he thought he had killed her. It was the worst thing he had ever experienced. Percy had been through tartarus and believing he had killed Annabeth was easily worse. Thinking of it even know made Percy’s hands shake, tears beginning to form in his eyes. The thought of Annabeth dying was bad enough, but by his own hand? Unbearable. Annabeth was good and bright. She was smart. Annabeth is kind but just. She is bold and assertive, she knows who she is and she isn’t afraid to show it. Sometimes she was a pessimist, but she has every right to be. The surprising part is that she finds the strength to see the good in people after she has been wronged so many times. 

Annabeth was all that was good in himself. She always saw the good in him and encouraged him to be better. Annabeth held the key of who he was before all this, she remembered as he was and she still saw that inside him. Percy felt like he was slowly poisoning her, instead of getting better with her, he was dragging her down with him. He was spiraling, losing sight of himself, and he was taking Annabeth with him. If he didn’t literally kill her one of these days, he was going to kill all that was good about her. 

Percy was slowly becoming a monster. Years of being a soldier, a pawn, had consumed him. All he knows is war. Percy can’t turn his own damn brain off, it’s constantly seeing the world around him like a battlefield. When he is awake he is haunted by dark thoughts of how he would destroy everyone around him, when he sleeps he dreams of doing so. In the day he flinches at loud noises and quick movements, at night he is reminded why. 

Whoever he used to be is disappearing and he just wants everyone to remember who he was. He doesn’t want to be known this way.

_Now I can’t go on_

_I can’t even start_

_I got nothing left_

_Just an empty heart_

Percy made an impulse decision. He quickly got out of bed then grabbed a camp shirt from the bedside table and put it on. He walked to the door, putting his ear up to it to see if anyone was outside the door. Satisfied that no one was, he opened it and walked out. Percy was careful to avoid everyone, luckily he knew his way around the infirmary. Sneaking out a back door, he carefully made his way down to the beach. 

He walked along the beach for a while, before finding himself sitting right next to the camp border. It was a pretty secluded spot, not many campers wandered over to the edges of the camp. 

Percy looked across the border, he wondered if he stepped across would monsters attack him? He knew he smelled like Tartarus now. Plus, after the second war monster sightings had been pretty low. It was a weird calm after the storm. Percy wasn’t sure he would call it peace, everyone had lost a lot during the war. He figured that maybe everyone, Gods, demigods, monsters, they were all too tired to start anything for the time being. 

He felt that. Percy felt tired, just so damned tired. It was a feeling deep in his bones, or maybe his soul. Percy wasn’t sure, but he knew it was a feeling deep within his being. He had given all he had, all of himself it felt like, and he had nothing else to give.

_I’m a soldier wounded_

_So I must give up the fight_

_There’s nothing more for me_

_Lead me away_

_Or leave me lying here_

What else was there anyway? Whatever he was doing could hardly be called living, he was hardly even surviving. What was the point in it all? He fulfilled his purpose, he fought the wars. It was supposed to be over. Somehow the war was still with him, Percy felt it. He wasn’t in war but he was still at war. 

Percy didn’t know how to fight this one. He had taken damage over the years. Physically all he had was scars, but he felt like he was bleeding out on the battlefield. Unable to fight and at the point of surrender. It would be easier to just give up. Why fight a battle you can't win? What, to prolong the pain? He was making things worse for himself and for everyone around him. He’d been fighting this battle and all it got him was last night. A psychotic break down and a violent outburst. 

Annabeth did not deserve this. She deserved so much more than him and he knew it. Gods he was such a screw up, such a mess. He felt tears falling down his face. He raised a shaky hand to wipe them away, but the tears kept coming. 

No one needed him anymore. It hurt to realize this. His chest tightened and it felt hard to breathe, he was useless. If he was a soldier bleeding out on the battlefield, then his friends were soldiers trying to drag him to safety. They were injured and actively putting themselves in danger trying to rescue him. 

Percy had done what he was meant to do, now he was just a deadweight. He fought the good fight, and now it was time to tap out. 

_Sound the bugle now_

_Tell them I don't care_

_There's not a road I know_

_That leads to anywhere_

_Without a light, I fear that I will_

_Stumble in the dark_

Percy looked out at the ocean. He wasn’t sure if he felt it calming or angering. The ocean had always been a source of peace and strength for him. Now it just reminded him of his horrible new powers and of his father. His stupid father. Poseidon was just as useful as he was, Percy decided. Poseidon never came through when Percy needed him the most. Percy felt like he was dying, and not once had his dad stopped by. He fights the wars because of his father, Poseidon is the reason he has to live this life, and not once does he go “Maybe I should help out my obviously struggling son, who has saved my ass over and over again.” 

Percy laughed. It wasn’t funny, but he laughed. The laugh turned to sobs. He had nowhere to go. No other hand to play. Percy was dying, he wasn’t physically dying, but everything that made Percy who he was? It felt like a drawing in the sand being washed away. Percy was helpless as the tide erased everything he was. He had tried to fight it, but the waves just kept coming. For years and years they just kept coming and the water kept rising and eventually there was nothing he could do. If he tried to fight this, he could hurt everyone around him. He was unpredictable and carried too much power. There was no way to fight it and if he tried he would just end up causing casualties all around him.

Why did he have to be so damn powerful? All demigods want to gain more power, but Percy wished he could get rid of his. It was a burden he couldn’t carry. The ability to control blood? To be able to kill people so easily? There are things that no one should be able to do, unnatural things. Things that only lead to even worse things. 

Living in fear of himself was tiring. Was there anything that wasn’t? Knowing that one slip could be catastrophic to those around him was terrifying. Percy was acutely aware that if he made one mistake, he could very well kill someone. He could _feel_ the blood coursing through people’s bodies, when he was upset he felt it like it was calling out to him. One bad day? One more nightmare? What was to stop him from tapping into that power? The constant anxiety and fear of this power was too much. Not only did he have to deal with his mental scars but he had to deal with the heavy responsibility of this new found ability. 

It wasn’t fair. Percy was falling apart and he couldn’t handle all of this. He wanted the monsters inside to leave him alone. He felt like there was a darkness living inside of him, slowly eating up his soul. His bones ached more than they should for someone his age and his hands shook when no one was looking. Breathing even felt like it took too much effort, Percy felt like he had to consciously think of every breath. Sometimes when he becomes aware of the blood in the people around him or when his eyes betray him and he sees the horrors of Tartarus creeping into his surroundings, it feels like that darkness between his ribs is reaching up and squeezing his heart. Like it is stopping the breath from getting into his lungs. It was like he couldn’t breathe, and there is a pain in his chest he couldn’t explain. 

Percy wanted it to be over. Sometimes he wondered if it was a part of Tartarus that had somehow hidden away inside him. He knew logically that this was ridiculous, but when was his life ever logical? Percy had experienced problems after the first war, everyone had. There was no denying that something had happened in Tartarus, something had left a mark on his very being and he didn’t think he would ever be the same again. 

Percy didn’t deserve this and he knew that his friends, no family, damn well didn’t deserve this. 

Percy wiped the tears from his eyes again, hardly even noticing the sand on his hands. Percy just stood there for a moment. He just wanted to enjoy the damn view of the ocean, but his mind kept playing tricks on him. With every crashing wave, he saw a monster hidden in the crest. With every bird that flew past him he saw nothing but an enemy. He turned and looked behind him, at the hills that would eventually lead him back to the cabins. He couldn’t even look there without remembering the battle that took place on that very ground. Without his mind strategizing the best advantage points, who to send where, making impossible choices that would lead to camper’s deaths. 

Without hesitation Percy stepped across the magical border. Percy wasn’t in a clear headspace, he could only think of wanting the pain to end. The feelings that haunted him every waking hour, the memories that followed him even when he slept. The fear of himself and who he was that made his hands shake and his chest hurt. The idea that Annabeth could only be safe if she wasn’t around him. All of these things had taken over and Percy just wanted it all to stop! He was too tired, too weak, too afraid to help himself. 

Percy felt a dark curiosity as to whether the blood from the gashes on his ribs and the cut on his face would attract monsters to him faster. Would they smell it and assume him to be weakened? An easier target? 

After taking a few steps Percy decided to lay down. He looked up at the sky and waited. For someone who hated flying, someone who had it ingrained in his very being to hate flying, he actually felt some peace as he watched the clouds above him make their way across the sky. Wind was something he had no power over and it was entrancing to watch it work.

The sky was blue. Yes, everyone knew that, but it was Percy’s favorite color. Recently blue had only been connected with the sea, a deep dark blue, mixed with green. But this was a nice pale blue, it reminded him of his mom. Calm, soft, yet filled with more power than you would think. It was a blue associated with something Percy couldn’t control, something he couldn’t ruin. He had no control over the skies, he had no way to ruin this soft pale blue. A tear slowly rolled down his cheek and Percy couldn’t exactly place why. 

  
  


_Lay right down, and decide not to go on_

Percy could feel the presence of a monster to his left. He could feel it lurking, watching. He waited, and yet the monster didn’t attack. Minutes passed as Percy lay still, waiting for the monster to make a move. Still it didn’t approach. 

Percy let out a tiny chuckle, typical. He has spent years fighting tooth and nail and the moment he actually wants a monster to attack, it wont. At this point Percy was aware of the fact that there were multiple monsters, he didn’t have to look to see. He wasn’t sure what kind they were, but he knew there was enough of them. Yet they waited. 

Anger sparked in his chest, finally something besides the bone deep fatigue and the fear he had been feeling for so long. 

“Why wont you just attack me?!” Percy yelled, still laying on his back unarmed. 

“Just come and get me!” He pleaded, tears starting to fall down his face once more.

Those damn useless monsters were afraid, no, terrified of him. Of course, because everyone was afraid of him. Gods, he was afraid of himself, of course these monsters would be. 

“I won't stop you” Percy said aloud. “I’ll let you do what you want, it can’t hurt worse than what I already feel. C’mon, I dare you.” Percy laughed in between sobs that he just couldn’t hold back. 

“Please just- I can’t do it myself, okay? I need you to do it. I’m offering you what you've always wanted, and now you won’t take it?!” Percy screamed at them, still not even sitting up or turning his head to look at them. Percy needed them to do it. Not only did he lack the energy to do it himself, but he knew it would weigh on the others. This was an act of consideration, if they thought it to be an accident then it could help them move on faster. If it was just years of luck had finally worn out, death finally catching up to him? Annabeth, his mom, everyone could just move on and not feel guilty. There would be no “What if we had helped him?” “It’s my fault I never noticed….” it would simply be a sad accident, pure fate. 

He felt them slowly moving in, but he could tell they were still apprehensive. He knew they must think it was a trap, some sort of a stunt. 

“I’m just tired…” Percy said to himself. “I’m just so tired.” He said, shaking his head a bit. How pathetic this was.

Percy only slightly flinched when a monster made a dash towards him. He could tell it was approaching fast, just seconds and he would get what he asked for. Part of Percy wished it would end fast, but he knew it would probably drag out for a few minutes. He was prepared for this, it was a small price to pay. He had already experienced much pain in his life, what was a few more minutes of it? If it ended all of this, if it ended the pain he felt and protected everyone from him then so be it. 

Percy closed his eyes as he saw in his peripheral vision the monster almost on top of him, mouth wide open and showing all its teeth.

If he was going to die he wanted his last words to be the truth. He had been lying and hiding what’s been going on for too long. He owed everyone an apology, he had been too afraid to say it to their faces, but he hoped somehow they would know that he truly was sorry.

  
“I’m so _sorry"_ Percy Said, "I'm just _tired."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings:  
> Suicidal Thoughts  
> Suicide Attempt
> 
> Comment, drop a Kudos, bookmark etc! Y'all have no idea how much it means to me and how much it motivates me to write the next chapter! <3
> 
> The next and (probably) final chapter should be up soon, I have it outlined, now I just need to write it.


	4. Help Me Understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Sound the Bugel - Bryan Adams

_ Then from on high _

_ Somewhere in the distance _

_ There's a voice that calls _

_ Remember who you are _

_ If you lose yourself _

_ Your courage soon will follow _

_ So be strong tonight _

_ Remember who you are _

  
  


Instead of claws or fangs digging into his skin, Percy felt...nothing. He opened his eyes to see Piper standing above him and the monster laying dead beside him. Percy was in such a dissociative state that he hardly was able to put together what was going on. 

Percy slowly turned his head and saw the other monster’s pause, but he knew they wouldn’t wait for long. Somewhere deep inside Percy felt guilty, putting Piper in this position. She would probably get hurt if she stayed, and if she crossed back into camp she would have to watch him die. That wasn’t ideal, but Percy’s foggy brain lacked the ability to do anything about it. He had dived into the depths of his depression and his fear of living, he couldn’t really process his options correctly. 

“Percy, go back to camp!” Piper said and Percy felt his charm speak laced within her words. 

Percy huffed in annoyance. He shook his head and fought her magic as well as he could. It took a lot of mental energy from his already low reserves, but Children of the big three were known to be hard headed. Percy knew what charmspeak felt like and that gave him an advantage, someone who had never experienced it might not even realize it's happening.

“No!” 

Piper made a distressed sound before grabbing Percy’s arms and trying to drag him back into camp. It was obviously a last resort,she knew she couldn’t fight off all those monster’s on her own. Her time was limited. 

“Percy, please get up!” She yelled as she tried to pull him. “I can’t pull you Percy! I can’t- gods please just get up!” 

Piper was breathing heavy with effort, but Percy’s deadweight was just too much. She would eventually be able to get him across, but not fast enough. Percy was crying, he wasn’t really sure why. Was he disappointed she was ruining his plan? Was he happy that someone was _ finally  _ trying to save him? Or was he simply sad that his friend was in so much distress, as he realized she was crying too?

Percy looked up at her as she readjusted her grip, grabbing him by the armpits, tears falling down her face as she slowly dragged him across the grass hill. It almost felt like slow motion, watching her plead with him, the words not really registering with him. It was like his head was underwater and she was yelling at him from the shore. 

Everytime she glanced up at where he knew the monsters were, her face became even more distressed. He saw her mouth moving as she desperately yelled at him, but all he could hear was the beating in his chest. He was afraid for her. Gods she was so distressed, the tears streaming down her face as she willed her body to find more strength.  _ If I was just a little stronger, Just a little faster.  _ Percy knew the feeling. He didn’t want that weight to be on her. Damnit, once again Percy felt his soul cry out for another person. All his life, he could never ignore people in need. His life was shit and he always strived for people to live one better than his. He never wanted people to feel what he felt. 

Percy reached his hand up and touched her cheek, similar to how she had the other night. Piper frantically looked down at him. Percy just stared into her eyes for a moment, he needed her full attention. He needed her to  _ understand _ him. 

“Piper, it’s okay.” He nodded, “It’s okay Piper. I’m so tired.” He said through tears. “It’s okay.” 

Piper shook her head at him and he felt like there was a boulder on his chest, she  _ needed  _ to understand! She needed to get out of the way. 

“It’s not okay Percy! It’s not.” Piper said as she continued to pull him. “I know you might not understand that right now, but it’s not!” 

He didn’t understand. He _ wanted _ to, but he just couldn’t. He hurt and he couldn’t focus and he just wanted it to all stop! But part of him latched on to what she said. He  _ wanted _ to understand. He actually wanted something other than for the pain to end. Whatever it was that she seemed to know and that Percy didn’t, maybe it was the answer. She knew something he wanted a part of. . 

He watched the tears stream down her face as she used every single fiber in her being to rescue him. She was offering Percy a chance. He had no idea what any of it entailed but this fundamental truth she seemed to know was a lifeline. If he was drowning then it was like she had tossed out a rope to him. A way to pull himself back to shore. 

“Help me” Percy heard himself plead. “Help me understand” Percy was no longer just crying numbly. He was full on sobbing, the kind that shakes your body and comes from somewhere deep in your soul. He was dying, every part of his soul was dying but Piper was alive and she was trying to help him live as well. 

Piper looked down, hope springing into her ever changing eyes. “I will! We all will Percy, You just have to come with me!” 

Percy hesitated.

“I can’t save you alone Percy, I just can’t. Just like you couldn’t save yourself.” Piper pulled even harder as she looked back at the monsters, they must have decided to charge. 

“We can do it together Percy. Let us help you!” 

Percy shakily squirmed out of her grib, panic flooded her face as she thought he was trying to escape her. He felt like lead was in his limbs, weighing him down. He looked over his shoulder and saw the danger approaching him and he actually felt fear in his chest, the kind of fear that one gets when they want to live. His adrenaline seemed to spike and he looked back at Piper and he just said, 

“Run!”

So they ran.

  
  


* * *

Once back on the camp side of the border, Percy all but collapsed into Piper’s embrace. He cried into her shoulder, mumbling a mix of “thank you”s and “I’m sorry”s and a mix of unintelligible things. 

Piper couldn’t even find the right words to say, exhausted and with her adrenaline dropping she was starting to register what just happened. Gods Percy Jackson, the Percy Jackson had just tried to kill himself. 

Carefree Percy, the guy who always had a joke or sarcastic comment, the guy who saved the world but also ate blue cookies. Percy Jackson, her friend, her brother in arms, the boyfriend of her best friend. Percy Jackson who….was struggling more than any of them had noticed. The Percy who didn’t know how to fight his demons and thought he had to do it alone. The guy who went to tartarus for his girlfriend and was never quite the same, the guy who they just assumed would bounce back. 

She felt guilty, they all knew he had changed. They had just assumed he needed time, assumed that he would come to them if he needed their help and that eventually things would be okay again. 

Piper looked up and saw Annabeth sprinting in their direction, Jason close behind. As soon as they noticed Percy was missing they had split up to find him. Piper was lucky to have noticed him across the camp border, she wouldn’t have seen him if she hadn’t noticed the unusual amount of monsters creeping in the distance. 

Percy lifted his head as he heard Annabeth call his name and Piper watched as he turned and ran into her arms. They crashed into each other and it reminded Piper of when they were reunited in New Rome. 

Annabeth didn’t know what had happened but she could obviously tell her boyfriend was upset. Piper watched Annabeth sooth him as he cried in her arms. 

“I’m sorry Annabeth. I’m sorry! I don’t understand. It hurts and I couldn’t think. I’m so sorry” 

Piper’s heart broke as she watched them (as if it hadn’t already) and she made a mental note to also check in on Annabeth once this settled. Their friends needed more help than she had previously realized and she wasn’t going to let them struggle alone. 

Piper leaned into Jason’s embrace after he walked over to her. She rested her head against his chest, a few tears still falling from her eyes. She was emotionally and physically worn out from all that had just happened. 

“What happened?” Jason asked softly. 

“We were lucky that I got there when I did.” Piper sighed.

  
  
  
  


* * *

_ You're a soldier now _

_ Fighting in a battle _

_ To be free once more _

_ Yeah, that's worth fighting for _

  
  


Percy and Annabeth sat closer than humanly possible in Percy’s cabin. They had decided it best to let Percy rest there instead of forcing him into the infirmary. Instead Will Solace had come to them.

He was in a chair across from them. He had been briefed on what had happened from Piper with Percy’s permission, though at this point with his life on the line she probably would have told Will either way so he could help Percy.  Percy hadn’t wanted to actually say much to Will at first, he answered some questions with a “yes” or a “no”. He insisted on Annabeth being there and no one even attempted to separate them. It helped calm Percy and it was good for Annabeth to hear what he had to say. 

“Percy, I don’t think you want to die.” Will said softly, he was a calming presence in the room, He had impeccable bedside skills. 

“From what I've heard I don’t think you want to die, I think you wanted to live again.”

When the words left Will’s mouth it was like someone had finally _ seen _ Percy. It was like someone finally shed light on all of this. Percy hadn’t been able to decipher what he was feeling, his mind was cluttered and the pain was too much. Relief flooded his body and Percy felt like crying. 

“I think that maybe, after everything that happened you got caught up in the pain of it all. I think you wanted to die because the pain wasn’t letting you live. It was the only way you could turn your brain off and stop the pain.” 

Percy nodded and felt tears welling up in his eyes as Annabeth hugged him tighter. Will nodded like he understood, and it seemed like he did. He had taken what had been haunting Percy, all these deep heavy emotions and he had just….said them. He put them to words, he said them in a way that helped Percy understand for once. 

Percy hadn’t been able to see it or to understand when he was in the middle of it, but somehow Will had an outside perspective that allowed him to help clear things up. 

“It won't just go away Percy. I don’t have any magic solution. I wish I did.” Will pulled out a business card from his back pocket. 

“But I think with help and time, we can get you back on your feet. I have a brother, he left camp a few years ago, he has gone through all the schooling needed to become a psychologist. He works specifically in PTSD and depression.”

Annabeth squeezed Percy’s hand, helping ground him as he took in all this information. 

“He works in the mortal world but I've sent a lot of demigods his way, he understands what we go through and he knows about our world. You can tell him everything, unlike with a regular therapist. He wants to help demigods work through their issues.”

Will talked some more with Percy about options. He explained how he wasn’t trained to deal with this stuff, he knew some of the basics and being a son of Apollo also gave him some natural instinct in the matter.  Overall Will was very encouraging and understanding. He explained that Dr. Jay Schmidt, the son of Apollo Will had previously mentioned, would be much better at helping Percy decipher what he was feeling and help him to find ways to cope with everything he'd been through. Percy wasn’t sure how anyone else could help articulate what he was feeling better than Will just did, but at this point he was willing to give it a shot. He felt nervous about it, he hardly ever talked about his emotions or his trauma on a deeper level, but after these recent events he knew it was time. 

“You too Annabeth” Will said, turning his attention to her. “He can help you as well” he gave her a warm smile.

Annabeth wasn’t prepared for this to be turned on her. She looked Percy in the eyes and for a split second he was afraid she would say no. Percy knew she was struggling and while the attention was mostly on him due to obvious reasons he knew that was no excuse to minimize her issues, they were equally as large. Her issues just formulated themselves differently than his did. 

Annabeth took a deep breath and then said “Okay. Yeah, okay i’ll go.”

Percy smiled and gave her a hug. Things were hard and they probably always would be. He was just happy that they were trying to make things better and that they were trying together. Percy was ready to take that step, he had went far too long trying to hide how he felt. He was going to see a therapist and hopefully learn how to deal with some of these problems, maybe even learn to live again. 

“I know you are tired of the fight, but this one will be a bit different. This one is all for you. You deserve to be free from your demons as much as possible. You will have to fight for it, but you won't have to do it alone.” Will said to both of them. 

  
Percy knew he owed it to those he loved, but more importantly he  _ owed it to himself _ . Percy  _ deserved _ to learn how to live again. Maybe, he figured, maybe one day he will learn to understand that and believe it as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts or any mental illness please talk to someone! You don't have to fight this alone, it is never easy but there are people who can help give you the tools and support to win this battle. I know you were happy when Percy accepted help, so do the same for yourself! It is easier said than done, but you deserve it.
> 
> ***Okay as you might have noticed I've moved this from a 4 chapter to a 5 chapter story. I had an idea for a 5th and final chapter, I hope you don't mind. With all this quarantine stuff going on, hopefully i'll be able to write it and get it out to you soon.***
> 
> I live on comments, so if you liked this chapter please let me know. otherwise I kinda worry that no one liked it lol.


	5. Even The Bad Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: I'll Get By - Avi Kaplan

**_*7 Years Later*_ **

_Early in the morning_

_I feel stones upon my chest_

_That I carry to the evening_

_‘Til I lay back down to rest_

  
  


Percy lay in his bed as the morning sunlight slowly made its way up his bed, through the window across the room. He knew from experience that he had about 3 minutes before it reached his eyes, and then another 10 after that until the light was no longer shining directly into his eyes as the sun woke up New York and made it’s way over their apartment in Brooklyn. 

Percy had woken to Annabeth’s alarm, and then a kiss from his favorite person on earth. Waking up to her grey eyes was calming, grounding almost. Annabeth had got out of bed 10 minutes before now, opening the curtains before making her way into the kitchen. Percy could hear her moving around in there, she was probably making eggs for breakfast, or there was also a slight possibility he would hear the blender and she would be making a smoothie. 

Percy felt a weight on his chest, like someone had set a sack of rocks on him. His arms felt like they were full of cement and his brain felt more tired than it should me. He wanted to just stay in his bed forever and never leave. It was hard to explain why, he could tell it was a beautiful day outside, his beautiful fiancée was awake and making breakfast, and he knew they had a fun day ahead of them. 

But he just felt so tired and like it would take the strength of 10 centaurs to move his body. Jay, his therapist, had explained to Percy that sometimes you just have a bad day, there isn’t always a specific reason why. It was a mix of a chemical imbalance in Percy’s brain and also the trauma and loss he had experienced in his short life. 

Meeting with Dr. Schmidt had been great. Sure it was awkward as hell at first, and sometimes it felt more frustrating than it was worth, he really had been making progress. Schmidt had helped Percy to understand how his brain worked, had given him way to help make things better and had also worked with him to figure out the right medicines to help.

Percy really did feel better than he had the day Piper saved him from killing himself. Jay told Percy that his depression and PTSD may never go away, but that he will be able to manage it and that Percy will gain control of his life. 

There will be great peaks and steady inclines. But there will also be lows or days where he feels good nor bad just…..okay.

This morning felt somewhere between a “low” and an “okay”. Percy tried not to be angry at himself, and to remember what he had talked about in therapy. But it was hard to not feel pitiful, as he closed his eyes against the light shining through his window, feeling too tired to get out of bed. He was supposed to be helping Annabeth make their special smoothie recipe that they had been experimenting with this week, as he heard her turn on the blender. He should be signing his name on the baby shower gift they had bought for Piper and Jason.

He was supposed to be getting ready for the baby shower for their best friends, for the child that would be his godson or goddaughter. 

Percy opened his eyes as Annabeth walked back into their bedroom, a smoothie in her hand. She smiled at Percy and set the smoothie on his bedside table before setting as pill next to it. 

“I’ll be getting in the shower. We need to leave at 10 if we want to get there in time” She said, running her fingers through his messy hair. 

Percy nodded in response, grabbing her hand and kissing it, before watching her walk to the bathroom. Percy sat up in bed, taking the smoothie and the pill. Annabeth and he were very in tune these days. They both went to therapy and had their own pills to be taking. Once they learned how to communicate with each other about their issues and to realize hiding from each other does no good, they had been doing much better.

Annabeth not only noticed his bad days, but she was learning how to help and realizing she didn’t need to pretend like it wasn’t happening. Likewise, Percy had learned to recognize when Annabeth was struggling, even when it took form in a different way than when he was not doing well. It could be hard to notice Annabeth’s bad days, but he was doing better at noticing the small signs she gave, and she was better at asking for help, or at least trying to. 

Percy took his pill, and then began to drink his smoothie. Percy was able to tune out the feeling of the blood in Annabeth’s body by instead focusing on the water running through the building, connecting to Annabeth’s shower and to the kitchen sink in the apartment next door and flushing down the toilet three floors down. He could feel it going under their building and connecting to the water system to the building next door. He could feel the water in their bird bath in what could hardly be called a balcony. He smiled a bit, this grounding technique Jay had helped him discover was very helpful.

Percy finished his breakfast and swung his feet to get out of bed. He felt a bit more prepared to carry those stones on his chest, he felt like it was a task he could handle. Between the breakfast, Annabeth’s presence and the calming effect of making birds out of the water in the bird bath (a skill he found to be calming), Percy felt like he could breathe a bit better. 

It didn’t cure his problems, he knew he’d carry the weight with him all day. But life was about taking small steps and realizing that you can. Standing up, Percy made his way to the bathroom to get ready for the party. He could do this, he told himself. 

  
  


_But I’ll, I’ll, I’ll_

_I’ll get by_

_I’ll, I’ll, I’ll_

_I’ll get by_

“I still don't know why I had to wear this” Percy gestured to his white button up shirt and blue tie as he drove the car. 

Annabeth, in her red spring dress, chuckled a bit, “Because it's a nice party.”

Percy sighed a bit, resisting the urge to loosen his tie. He didn't like dressing up, he wasn't used to it and felt uncomfortable in nice clothes. It was restricting and unnecessary. Unfortunately Piper and Jason lived a fancy life, with the money from her father they had been given a nice boost in life. 

“See, the real problem is that we have to drive all the way out to the Hamptons. We need poor friends, friends who can't afford living in the Hamptons of all places.” Percy said, half joking. 

Annabeth nodded, chuckling. “They are ridiculously loaded.” She agreed. 

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, listening to the soft radio music. Percy could feel Annabeth looking over at him. He didn’t say anything, he knew if she wanted to say something she would. 

“Bit of a rough morning?” She asked. 

She didn’t dance around the subject, noor did she ask with pity or in a condescending way. Percy was glad for that, it was helpful to just talk about it like it wasn’t necessarily a big deal, unless it became one.

“Yeah kinda” Percy answered with a shrug.

Annabeth nodded, “And now?’

“I’ll get by” Percy answered.

Annabeth nodded. At first the answer had bothered her, in her mind it didn’t sound positive. But overtime she had come to understand, with Percy’s explaining, to him that simply meant that it wasn’t a great day, but it wasn’t consuming him. He was still in a fairly stable place, there was room for improvement and he would probably be tired at the end of the day after using more effort and brain power than normal. But he was okay. He was still enjoying things and he was still the one with the upperhand, not his depression. 

_I’ll get by_ was a thing they could handle. _I’ll get by_ wasn’t easy and it was tiring, but it was manageable. It wasn’t permanent and it wasn’t debilitating. Days like _I’ll get by_ were about the little things. Like making birds out of the water, holding hands as they drove and getting out of bed in the morning before the sun moved past his eyes and on to the wall above his bed.

Annabeth gave his hand a squeeze before reaching to turn the music up louder. Percy looked over at Annabeth as she sang along to the song on the radio. He couldn't help the smile that formed on his face as he glanced at her. 

He was excited for this party, he was so excited for Piper and Jason. Having a baby was going to be a big step for them and he was happy to help them celebrate. Honestly? It was nice to celebrate normal milestones, like your friends getting pregnant. Percy’s whole life had just been ‘wow, I can’t believe I lived to see another birthday’. The roman demigods were more used to this kind of thing, but growing up in Camp Halfblood? As a child of one of the Big Three? Percy had been acutely aware of the fact that he probably would live to be an adult. 

Now he had, and he was learning to embrace the normal life milestones. Taking in all the moments he hadn’t really planned to experience. Part of this new chapter in his life was learning to allow himself to plan for the future and to embrace everything life had to offer outside war, the gods and monsters.

It was….nice. 

Hazel and Frank came in from Camp Jupiter last night for the party and Percy could not wait to see them. It would be a nice reunion. 

Yeah. This was looking to be a good day. 

  
  


**_*3 years after the baby shower*_ **

_I’m tired and growing weary_

_Of these clouds that follow me_

_Swallowed by the shadows_

_When it’s sunshine that I need_

Percy was spending the afternoon with Jason and Lucy, Jason and Piper’s daughter. Lucy was just three and she was adorable. She was lucky enough to have taken the best features from both parents, so it honestly was no surprise how cute she was. There was never a doubt that Jason and Piper would have a cute kid, the two of them were practically models. I guess they _were_ the kids of literal gods. But a daughter of Aphrodite and a son of Jupiter? Could you get any more lucky than that as far as the looks go? 

As godfather of Lucy, Percy was doing his duty and helping Jason out while Piper and Annabeth had gone on a girls trip to visit Hazel in New Rome. Percy had be staying at Piper and Jason’s place while they were gone, helping watch Lucy when Jason had to go to work. He didn’t have a busy work schedule and most of his work could be done from home.

It was fun being the cool uncle. Sitting by the pool, Yes they had a pool...a huge pool, and doing water tricks for Lucy never got old. He secretly hoped she would never grow tired of his little tricks, he loved how happy his powers could make someone. 

Percy hadn’t expected to have a panic attack that afternoon. That was the thing about PTSD, you could try to avoid triggers and work on ways to lessen the severity of the attacks. But you could never 100% guarantee when you would have one. 

Percy couldn’t remember what started it. The cause seemed irrelevant as he felt a pain in his chest. It felt like a heart attack, although he had been through this enough to know that it was not a heart attack. Trying to tell himself that didn’t lesson the pain he felt.

He felt a tingling in his face and everything just seemed like too much. Some Part of his brain told him that Jason would be home in 10 minutes and if he could just keep his cool around Lucy for 10 more minutes then everything would be fine. 

Percy forced himself to stand, trying to fight the tightening feeling in his chest and the way it felt like he couldn’t breathe. It felt like something terrible was going to happen and he had no way to prepare for it. Percy shakily took Lucy’s hand and led her into the house. She was asking him all kinds of questions and he couldn’t bring himself to answer. 

“Why are we going inside?”

  
His heart pounded in his chest and he couldn’t ignore it.

“Why is your hand shaking?”

  
She noticed? She noticed his hand shaking and now he couldn’t stop it. Gods he was losing his shit in front of a 3 year old girl, his god daughter, someone he was supposed to protect. What was wrong with him?

“Is it time for a snack?”

  
His face felt numb but that didn’t stop him from noticing the tears welling up in his eyes or the dryness of his mouth, like he hadn’t had a sip of water for years. The son of Poseidon felt like the desert somehow ended up in his mouth. 

Percy carefully lead her into the house, his eyes scanning the room for any threats. If someone or something was going to attack them, to attack _her_? Now would be the time. Gods now was the perfect time for an attack. If-

“Why are you crying?” Lucy asked as she sat on the couch next to Percy. 

Percy closed his eyes for a second, forcing himself to take a deep breath.

“Hurt?” She asked, her eyes gowing big as she looked at her Uncle Percy in concern. She patted his cheek with her tiny hand, no doubt something she learned from her mother.

“No, I’m-I’m okay” Percy managed to choke out, forcing a smile on his face that didn’t last more than two seconds. Lucy didn’t look all the way convinced. She held onto his hand once more. She started talking about the puppy she wanted, continuing the conversation they had been having outside. 

Percy tried to focus on what she was saying, but it was hard when there was intrusive visions of dead bodies littering the streets of Manhattan.Bodies of demigods his age and younger, kids he was supposed to keep safe. Memories of monsters so terrifying he dare not explain them to anyone who hadn’t been in Tartarus. Flashes of battle tried to take over his vision.

Percy was aware enough of Lucy to know she was okay, he was forcing himself to stay present for her for as long as he could. He nodded along with her conversation, as she explained in great detail what color her puppy would be. 

Percy startled at the sound of the front door, jumping to his feet. He turned and quickly had his hand in his pocket, ready to pull out riptide. For a moment he just stared at Jason, his brain realizing he was not a threat but unable to formulate anything to say to the man.

As Lucy jumped up to give her dad a hug, Percy sunk down so that he was sitting on the floor, his back to the sofa. He closed his eyes in relief, Jason was back and it was all okay. 

“Why don’t you go to your room and play with your toys for a few minutes, okay?” Jason said to Lucy who happily ran off to her room.

The man slowly made his way over to Percy, who was all but sobbing. Jason carefully sat down next to the man. Percy was hunched over with his hands clenched into fists by his face. He was breathing sporadically and and seemed to be drifting in and out of reality, once Jason had sent Lucy away he hadn’t seemed to acknowledge Jason’s presence Jason slowly and gently rested his hand on Percy’s shoulder. He winced a bit at how Percy flinched away from his touch. 

“Hey Perce. It’s okay, you are at my house. I’m here, Lucy is okay and so are you.” Jason said calmly trying to first ground Percy to his reality. He knew from the past that sometimes during panic attacks Percy’s mind could play tricks on him. He could feel like he was under attack or caught up in the darkness of his past.

“Want me to call Annabeth?”

That drew a reaction from the man, he quickly shook his head, looking over at Jason. 

“No” He managed to choke out. “M’okay” 

Jason nodded and decided to just sit with Percy. He kept his hand on his shoulder, he didn’t want to overwhelm him with too much contact but still wanted to remind Percy he wasn’t alone. In the recent years Jason had seen Percy do this on occasion. It was heartbreaking to watch him struggle like this, seeing his friend in such a panic. Hardly able to breath, tears streaming down his face and in obvious pain. 

It sometimes made Jason feel guilty. He had his own problems, but nothing like this. Jason sometimes clinched at loud noises and woke up in the middle of the night in a panic due to a nightmare. To see the mark left on both Percy and Annabeth was a painful reminder of how he failed to stop them from falling into Tartarus. Jason had thought many times how if he had just noticed the web around her ankle, or had moved a bit faster….it wouldn’t be like this. 

Logically he knew that wasn’t the case. But when one of your best friends breaks down in your living room, it is hard to not blame yourself.

  
  


* * *

Percy, with the steady comfort of Jason’s presence, was soon able to come out the other side of his panic attack. Much to Percy’s embarrassment he had found himself slumped against Jason’s side, embraced by the slightly taller man.

These events often left Percy exhausted, but the energy it took to try and fight it off while waiting for Jason to come home had truly exhausted Percy. He just hadn’t had the energy to to care about his reliance on Jason. He had been working on accepting help from his friends, and he realized how readily his friends were to offer it to him.

Percy pushed himself up so he was sitting next to Jason, not leaning on him. 

“I’m so-”

“No.” Jason cut him off. Percy glanced at Jason, a bit confused.

“Don’t tell me you are sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for, okay?” Jason said. 

Percy huffed in disagreement. He felt Jason’s eyes on him, waiting for Percy to formulate his thoughts. 

“I don’t think I should be Lucy’s godfather, I put her in danger, Jason. I wasn’t a good choice for this.”

Jason just shook his head, even after a major panic attack, Percy still managed to think about everyone but himself. 

“Do you want to know what I saw when I got home? I did not see my daughter in danger. I saw my daughter safely sitting in the living room, talking the ear off her Uncle Percy. Even in the midst of your panic attack, you were still aware enough to bring her inside. You jumped up when I opened the front door. Had it not been me? I have no doubt you would have protected her in that moment.”

  
“Percy, a few bad days can’t scare us away. I want you to understand that. We don’t just want you around for the days you make us laugh and do cool water tricks for our daughter. You are our friend and we want you on the bad days too. We want to help you when we can, and we know you help us when we need it as well.” 

Jason paused as Percy wiped a tear from his eyes. Jason meant every word and he wanted Percy to understand.

“You have never once put my daughter in danger. So you cried in front of her? It’s not like she hasn't seen an adult cry. If anything maybe she will be more in touch with her emotions, knowing it’s okay to cry.” Jason said, getting a small chuckle from Percy at the last part. 

“We love you Percy. We all do, and don’t you ever think for one moment that we will leave you because of one bad day. You have never hurt anyone, and I know that is your biggest fear. But it's been 10 years since the end of the war and you've not once harmed anyone. Piper and I would have never asked you to be Lucy’s godfather had we thought you were a danger to her.”

Percy smiled softly and nodded. Jason took that as a win.

“Alright, now let's get you some water. You've got to be dehydrated.” Jason said, standing.

He held his hand out to Percy and helped pull the man to his feet. The two walked over to the kitchen, Percy taking a seat on one of the bar stools, as Jason poured them both a glass of water. 

Jason handed a glass of water to Percy. He then raised his own glass as a mini salute.

“Even the bad days” Jason said. 

Jason gave Percy a pat on the shoulder before changing the conversation to what they should cook for dinner tonight.   
  
  


**_*40 years later*_ **

_Take all my cares away_

_Lighten my load_

_Trust it'll be ok_

_But 'til then I'll go_

_Onward down the road_

_Carried by the hope_

_That I’ll get by._

_Yeah, I’ll get by._

  
  


Percy sat next to Annabeth on the front porch of their house. As they got older they had decided to move out of the city. Life in New Rome wasn't actually that bad. . Percy didn’t have much experience outside apartment city life, but he found this to be a nice place to retire. It was nice to not worry about any monster attacks. Being as old as they were now, it was not ideal to be fighting off monsters all the time. Even though they were relatively left alone after both wars and surviving Tartarus, they had noticed the monsters starting to test them a bit more in their old age. They no doubt figured they would be weaker and easier targets. 

It was strange being so surrounded by the roman world. In the summer they would go back to Camp Halfblood. They still didn't have a place to retire, but they had places for campers to live while studying in university and a bit after. It wasn’t designed to raise children, but it was a nice halfway point.

After everything they had done for the camp, they were always welcome back whenever, Chiron always had a place for them to stay. The young campers always stared and ogled over them, having heard stories of their quests and battles. It was fun to help teach the young kids, remembering what it was like to be in their shoes, Percy wanted to give the kids a positive and kind influence. So many gods would just want to use them for their own needs, it was nice to give them a Percy who didn’t want anything from them. 

Percy handed Annabeth a glass of wine he had brought with him from the kitchen. 

“It was nice having the grandkids here this week.” Annabeth said before taking a sip from her glass.

Percy nodded, smiling fondly at the thought of their grandkids, who had left with their parents about 10 minutes ago. 

“I love those little trouble makers” Percy laughed. 

“They must get that from you.” Annabeth joked. 

“Oh really?” Percy laughed, “I seem to remember a certain wise girl causing all kinds of messes in her time.”

Annabeth jokingly made an offended face. “I resent that statement” She said, holding back a laugh.

Percy couldn’t help but get absorbed in her beauty. Her hair now grey, and her face covered in wrinkles. Her grey eyes may not be as intense as they once were, the color a bit more muted than it had once been, he still found her to be the most beautiful woman he had ever lay eyes on. Even in their old age he still couldn’t believe how lucky he was to find someone like her. 

“Gods, I love you.” Percy blurted out. 

“My, one sip of wine and you are already getting sappy on me. Maybe you really are old.” Annabeth laughed. The sparkle in her eyes and the way she smiled at him told him she felt the same. 

She reached over and took his hand in hers. They sat like that for a while, sitting in a peaceful quiet. Reflecting on their long and happy life together. Watching the sun begin to set over new rome, turning the gity a nice orange. 

If you had told Percy when he was 17 that this would be his future, he would have laughed at you. He never thought he would live to see 30. Yet here he was, sitting with his wonderful wife after having just spent the week with their adorable grandkids. 

Not to say life had been easy. There had been bumps in the road and dark days where they weren’t sure how they could survive. But overall, it was a life that he found himself able to reflect on fondly. He still had bad days, but as he got older he began to realize that bad days are just part of life.

They suck, but they don’t have to rule you. He embraced the good days like he embraced the sunset washing over him. The warmth and the beauty was something he would never get tired of. He fought his way through the dark days because he knew there where good days. He knew his dark times wouldn’t last forever. Sometimes they could last longer than he would like, but he always resurged to find a multitude of things waiting for him on the other side. With Annabeth and all their friends still with him, he realized that he never had to fight his dark times alone. 

True to his word, Jason and the others really did love him, even on the bad days. 

Over the years, with therapy, the right combination of medication, and a great support system Percy’s bad days were outnumbered by the good days. Percy was forever grateful for Piper saving his life, in fact Piper was the middle name of their first daughter. Percy could not explain how grateful he was that his life had not ended that day. He had almost ended his own life, if he had? Percy didn’t even want to think of all the joy and love he would have missed out.

He couldn’t imagine not having married Annabeth, raising their kids and spending their adult lives with their best friends, eventually having grandkids he adored. He was so happy he got to experience his little sister growing up, had he died he wouldn’t have even known his mom was pregnant in the first place. 

Percy gave Annabeth’s hand a soft squeeze. 

“I think we’ve lived a pretty great life.” he said.

Annabeth nodded in agreement, “I _know_ we’ve lived a great life.” 

“And my Wise Girl is never wrong.” He added.

“Damn right I'm not.” She laughed. 

Percy knew he wasn’t the only one pleasantly surprised with their life. Growing up Annabeth had never had a good foundation for a family. When they had decided to have kids, it was a big step for them. They talked about it for months. Annabeth worried she wouldn’t know how to be a mother for her kids. That something would happen and they would grow up like she did. Percy was afraid that he might hurt his kids, that he would become Gabe Ugliano but worse, that he wouldn’t be able to control his powers. 

Eventually Hazel had pointed out to them that with how much they cared about their hypothetical child’s future, there was no way they would fail their kid. They already loved them enough to be afraid they would mess it up. Bad parents didn’t think like that. There was enough love between Percy and Annabeth to raise a wonderful kid.

And they did. None of their fears came true, Annabeth broke the cycle of bad parents in her family, and despite his worries Percy never lost control. He never hurt anyone, definitely not his children. There were days when he feared himself, but even on his bad days he never brought harm to anyone.

Their kids grew up with so much love. Sally and Paul loved their grandkids and spoiled them to no end, always bringing bags of blue candy for them every time they visited. Piper, Jason, Frank, Hazel, Leo and all their other friends made sure those kids were never in danger and made sure to tell them every embarrassing story about their parents they could think of. 

Annabeth had a very successful architecture career, not like that was any surprise to Percy. She was wonderful at what she did and he loved the way her eyes lit up when she talked about her projects. Percy floated between jobs, He had got his degree in marine biology, but that ended up being a lot more working in labs than he had wanted. He worked in marine biology for sometime and then found his way through other jobs. He made room in his schedule to coach their kids soccer team. Having never played soccer, he spent the whole off season watching youtube videos and practicing with an adult team that met every other weekend. Annabeth laughed when he came home covered in grass stains, but she couldn’t hide how proud she was of the father he was. 

Even though they had officially retired, Annabeth still designed a few buildings for for a part of Camp Jupiter that was expanding. Percy still taught a marine life class for some of the 6th grade legacies that lived in New Rome. 

Annabeth lay her head on Percy’s chest and he moved to put his arm around her. 

So yeah, Percy figured, it was a good life. He wouldn’t miss it for the world, even the bad days. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the final chapter. I Hope you enjoyed it. I tried to write a balance between bad days and good days. My goal was to not pretend like things are just magically fixed. Yet I also wanted this to be an encouraging chapter, showing the good things as well. Things do get better. Yes, there are bad times, but they don't have to outweigh the good. I wanted to show Percy learning to help himself and how to accept help from those he loves. 
> 
> "The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant."  
> \- The 11th Doctor 
> 
> Percy isn't alone and he doesn't have to fight his demons alone. <3
> 
> If you liked it, drop a comment or hit the kudos button, I love feedback more than I should haha.


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